when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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