i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
