i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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