Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
