go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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