I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
