theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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