so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
