I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
that's an acceptable place to lick
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
PANTIES FOUND
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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