We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
