her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
