non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
