Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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