either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
