Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
