matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
