you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
