My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
