Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
