My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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