So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
