i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
