Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize