Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
