I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
