Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
