A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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