I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
