I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
