i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
