I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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