Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he puts the penis in happiness.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
