just tell him i said nine months
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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