what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
