How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
