Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
