We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
