kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
