life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize