I am in a vortex of obligation.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
