The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
