i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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