Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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