Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
