I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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