I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
