I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
