It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Someone signed my nipple.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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