apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
