should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
