Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
