your parents love me but you hate me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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