GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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