her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
