Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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