My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
