My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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