im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize