Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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